Twelve Days of Coming Unto Christ--Day 4

Come unto Christ by using the gift of REPENTANCE.

Repentance is truly a gift.  I look at my life and I shudder sometimes at how horribly I fall short of worthiness to return to Heavenly Father.  In so many ways I have not got it figured out.  I struggle daily in my efforts to follow Christ even though I know I am happier and spiritually healthier when I do follow Him, and that life goes better when I am doing what I should.

Today we were to identify a sin we wanted to repent of, write it on a small piece of paper, and enclose it in an ornament we could hang on the Christmas tree.  In addition to the sin, we were to include ways the Savior can help us accomplish our goal of repenting.  I won't share the sin I wrote down.  I'm not emotionally prepared to go shouting my sins from the rooftops, especially as concerns the sin I wish to rid myself of.

Two scriptural passages to read today, D&C 64:1-11, and the story of Alma the Younger and the sons of Mosiah in Mosiah 27:1-28:9.  In D&C the Lord says, "I . . . forgive sins unto those who confess their sins before me and ask forgiveness."  Doesn't that seem so simple?  Confess and be forgiven.  If only it were that easy.  I know that there must be some forsaking in there too, the giving up of that wrong we sometimes cling to.  I know as regards my particular sin, I allow my perceptions and prejudices and largely my impatience play too great a role in my behavior.  My sin is in regards to a member of my family, and I let my behavior sour my relationship with this person when, deep down, I really want there to be peace and harmony and love.  Yet I seem unable to make the critical change in myself that will knit us closer together and make me better.  Why don't I find that easier than it seems to be?  Why do I continue to behave abominably?  Why do I allow myself to sin when sinning only brings about, as Alma the younger describes in Mosiah 27 as "teh gall of bitterness and bonds of iniquity?"  I sometimes feel as if I am racked with eternal torment.

It occurred to me today that the rack was a horrible torture device upon which a person was tied at the hands and ankles and then pulled in opposite directions.  Sometimes I think I am torturing myself and those I love with my sinful actions.  I write that and it sounds like I am really doing awful things.  I don't think I am, all the time at any rate.  But too often I am weak and let frustration, fatigue, or something else control my behavior when I really want to act in love, kindness, and the spirit of Christ.

I want to repent, to be born again, to be redeemed of God.  I want to be worthy to be called His daughter and to inherit the kingdom.  Alma said, however, that he had to wade through "much tribulation, repenting nigh unto death" before the Lord snatched him from an everlasting burning.  In truth, I am not sinning like Alma was, I'm not leading souls to their spiritual death.  But I also don't feel justified in saying, "Well, I'm not as bad as he was/is.  I'm better than that."  I am still imperfect; there is much room for improvement.

So today I put my sin in the ornament, and I am going to pray for forgiveness and help for improvement.  And I'm going to remember that forgiveness brings joy and light.  Like Lamoni's father, I want to give away all my sins to know God that I might be raised from the dead and be saved at the last day (Alma 22:18).

Twelve Days of Coming Unto Christ--Day 3

Day Three:  Come unto Christ by REMEMBERING Him.

Today's scriptures to read were the sacrament prayers.  In each we covenant to "always remember Him."  As I thought today about remembering Christ, I thought about one of the Primary program songs we sang this year, "If the Savior Stood Beside Me."  Here are the words:

If the Savior stood beside me, would I do the things I do?
Would I think of His commandments and try harder to be true?
Would I follow His example?  Would I live more righteously
If I could see the Savior standing nigh, watching over me?

If the Savior stood beside me, would I say the things I say?
Would my words be true and kind if He were never far away?
Would I try to share the gospel?  Would I speak more reverently
If I could see the Savior standing nigh, watching over me?

He is always near me, though I do not see Him there,
And because He loves me dearly I am in His watchful care.
So I'll be the kind of person that I know I'd like to be
If I could see the Savior standing nigh, watching over me.

This is a powerful song to me.  When I am angry at the children or short tempered with Kent, if I am thinking ill of someone or being unkind in any way, the words of this song will come into my head.  I will realize that I am not remembering Christ, that I am not living as if he were standing nigh.

We were given a bell today to put in a pocket or purse and then use it to remind us to keep the Savior in our thoughts.  I tied it to my belt loop and enjoyed its tinkling sound throughout the day.  I thought about it as Blythe demanded my help and attention as she wanted me to play a game with her, feed her, and read to her when I really wanted to be working on a photo book for Christmas.  And I thought about the Savior when the children were driving me crazy as they ran around while I was trying to prepare dinner.  It helped me be calmer, steadier, patienter.

The last activity suggestion was to gather as a family around the Christmas tree for a testimony meeting.  Each person could have a candle which they could light as they bore their testimony.  This was a bit much for my crew, but I did have us gather and then I asked everyone to share one thing they could do that would help them remember the Savior and act more like Him.  Here is what each one shared.

Brandt said, "We can do good things.  We can sing songs about Jesus."
Blythe said, "We can help others."
Kent said, "We can visit people who are lonely."
Katherine said, "We can not look at others to judge, but to love."

Twelve Days of Coming Unto Christ--Day 2

Today's way to come unto Christ was by showing gratitude.  How often do I tell the Savior that I am grateful for all he does for me?  Activity options for the day included saying a prayer and offering only thanks, reading three different scriptural passages, writing a thank you note to Jesus, and making a gratitude collage.
I found the selection of scriptural passages to be very interesting in the context of gratitude.  The first passage was Luke 1:46-55.  In this passage, Mary is describing the Savior, the man who will be her son.  She describes him as "holy," "mighty," and "merciful," and then says that he has "exalted them of low degrees," "filled the hungry with good things."  Not the first passage of scripture that comes to mind when I think of gratitude.

The next selection was from Alma 36:3-28.  This is Alma the younger speaking to his son Helaman and describing his rebellion, vision, and miraculous conversion.  This is such a moving story to me.  Alma was going about the destruction of the church, but God, in his infinite mercy and understanding, knew that Alma had the potential to lead people to Christ rather than away from him, and He sent an angel to straighten him out.  Alma says for three days he was "racked, even with the pains of a damned soul," his soul "harrowed up by the memory of [his] many sins."  But then he remembers the words of his father (also a changed sinner) about the coming of Jesus Christ.  He cries out to Christ for mercy and forgiveness, and the pain he feels is swept away.  He can remember it no more.  He bears testimony of the love and support he feels from Christ, and the sweetness of forgiveness.  While not a passage of scripture about gratitude, Alma is certainly grateful for the joy and relief he feels, and I can bear testimony to having had a similar feeling following repentance.  As I have tried to give up a particularly sinful behavior, I have felt relief and joy and tremendous gratitude for a loving Father who always gives me another chance.

The third scripture was 1 Samuel 1:11-2:21.  This is the story of Hannah who desperately wants a child.  She prays and vows to the Lord that if she can have a child, she will dedicate him to the Lord's service.  She is "of a sorrowful spirit," until promised by the high priest that God will grant her petition.  He does and she bears a son.  She says, "My heart rejoiceth in the Lord."  I love that phrase.  I want my heart to rejoice in the Lord, too.  I want to feel that same gratitude for all I have been blessed with.  Hannah's sincere thanks lead the Lord to further bless her with three sons and two daughters.  Following the frustration and distress of infertility, although it doesn't say as much, I am certain Hannah considered herself miraculously blessed indeed.

I know that as we express gratitude, the Lord will see fit to bless us more.  I wrote Jesus a thank you note to be opened on Christmas eve, and I put it on the mantle amidst all the greenery.  It wasn't there more than twenty minutes before Blythe brought it to me and said, "Mom, where did this note for Jesus come from?  Why is it on the mantle?"  I explained that I had written it, that it was a thank you note, and that she needed to put it back.  "How will he read it when he isn't here?" she asked, with just a touch of teenage exasperation in her five-year-old voice.  "Since Jesus can read the thoughts of our hearts," I said, "he can certainly read the words of my thank you card."  She returned it to the mantle.

I did not make a gratitude collage, but I did do my Thanksgiving ABC a couple of weeks ago, and I consider that essentially the same thing.  No pictures, but I was certainly thoughtful about it.

Twelve Days of Coming unto Christ--Day 1

I have a new calling in Young Women.  I am the assistant Laurel adviser, in charge of personal progress.  It is somewhat strange being back in Young Women after years away, and while I know the girls by name, I don't know very many of them very well.  I have been to our weekday activity once, and to opening exercises once, although I didn't stay for class (I got to substitute as music chorister in Primary, my favorite calling EVER!).

On Sunday we were introduced to a special Christmas "project" for lack of a better word, the twelve days of coming unto  Christ.  Beginning today and for the following eleven days, we will get to open an envelope or a box which contains an activity that will help bring us closer to Christ.  I am really rather delighted with this because I want my Christmas celebrating to be more Christ focused.  And for some reason of late, I have been letting the children really irritate me, driving away the festive holiday spirit that should be a significant part of the month.

Each day there are several activities we can do--reading scriptures, writing something--designed to draw our focus towards Christ.  Next Sunday, the day after day 12, we will have a special combined class and we will have the opportunity to share an experience we have or a significant something we have felt as we have worked through the twelve days.  I was impressed today to record my impressions and thoughts here, on this blog, so I could refer back to it in the future.

Today was day one: Come unto Christ by increasing your KNOWLEDGE of Him.  Included in today's envelope was a 26 question quiz, a sort of trivia game, about the Savior, and four other options.  You could read or watch "The Living Christ: The Testimony of the Apostles;" read Luke 2 as you sat near a nativity set and then think about Jesus' childhood; read in the New Testament a bit; ask a family member to tell you their favorite story about Jesus.

I am happy to report that I knew the answers to all 26 questions about Jesus.

I read "The Living Christ" again.  I was impressed anew at Christ's willingness to come to Earth as a baby, and have a mortal experience just like everyone else's.  Well, not just like everyone else's because he was perfect, but to give up all the power, might, and majesty he enjoyed at the right hand of God to be a baby and learn and grow just like we have to.  I love the way Christ is described in this testimony: "Messiah," "creator, " "he entreated," "he taught," "he healed," "advocate."  I think I especially like that last one.  As an advocate, a representative, an agent for each of us, he is going to fight on our side, he's going to argue for us.  Kent and I have been watching a program on PBS called Silk about a woman lawyer in England.  She almost always is the lawyer for the defense, and she fights fiercely for her clients.  She believes in them, in their innocence, and in their humanity, and she really goes to bat for them.  Christ will do that for each of us, and I'm grateful that such a powerful being is on my team.

I read Luke 2 again.  The part with the angel of the Lord and the shepherds and Mary keeping all things in her heart and pondering them I practically have memorized.  It is the oft repeated Christmas story.  But the latter part of the chapter has the less frequently mentioned stories of Anna and Simeon who were both old and blessed to see the Christ child before their deaths.  Chapter 2 also includes the wonderful story of Jesus being inadvertently left behind in Jerusalem and found teaching in the temple.  When he was twelve.  I am amazed that even that early he knew who he was and what he needed to do.  It seems a heavy burden to bear for a child, and an indication of how mature and thoughtful he must have been.

I think my book knowledge of Christ is good, I know the stories, I understand who he is, sort of like a famous person in history you can read up about.  But I would like to know him better personally.  I sometimes feel that I know Christ in the same way I know Brad Pitt; I know who he is, I know who he is involved with, I recognize him in a picture, but we haven't met and he doesn't know me.  I realize, too, that the distance is of my own making and that if I want our relationship to change, it has to be me who makes the effort.  Christ is there and available (very much unlike Brad Pitt), all I have to do is let him in.

I intended on asking the children what their favorite story about Jesus is, and I will still do that.  They are in bed, so that will have to happen tomorrow.  But my favorite story about Jesus is when he came to the Americas to visit the Nephites and Lamanites.  When he gathers their children and blesses them, and angels descend upon them, and Jesus weeps because he is so moved, I weep too.  That incredibly marvelous love moves me to tears pretty much every time I read it.  I am always impressed, too, that Jesus ministers one on one almost all the time.  When he fed the multitude, he was nourishing a large group, but for the most part, his interactions with people and their healing happened one on one, Christ doing his part and lovingly inviting someone to repent or be more faithful or more obedient.  I long for that one on one interaction myself.

A Real Mom

Tonight Blythe said to me, without any preamble or context, "You're not my real mom."  I was taken aback, but I don't think I let it show.  "Keybug is my real mom," she continued.  "I came out of her tummy.  And I know who my sister and brother are--McKenna and Greyson."

All of that is true, and I agreed with her.  I was calm and unemotional on the outside, but inside, I must confess, I felt stabbed to the heart.  I have known that those very words, "You're not my real mom," were going to come out of Blythe's mouth one day, I just didn't expect that day to be so soon.  I figured it would happen in the throes of a tween/mom fight about what she was wearing or how she was misbehaving, not in the quiet of bedtime at five years old.  Blythe is a deep thinker so I tried to explain in simple terms why she lives with us.  Keybug is her birthmom, the woman who carried her in her body and who gave birth to her.  But Keybug is sick, as Blythe is sick at the moment, but she's not going to get better easily or soon (if ever).  Blythe's body will fight the virus she has and in a day or two, she'll be up and busy again, running and jumping and going to school.  Keybug, however, won't.  She can't take care of herself, much less a child (or two or three), and so Blythe came to our family.

Then I tried to explain that moms are more than just the person who gives birth to you.  She is the one who feeds you every day, who takes you to dance, who reads you stories and helps you with your homework.  She's the one who gives you a soothing massage when you feel lousy and holds you and rocks you and snuggles you in the middle of the night when you have an ear ache and feel so horrible you want to die.  She is the woman who is there day in and day out, putting up with your tantrums, cheering you from the sidelines, coming to school and helping out in your classroom or on field trips.  She's the woman who is there for you, in body and mind and spirit, who prays for you and loves you and worries now about what will become of you when you are a teenager and if your spouse will be good to you.  A mom is the woman who knows all your favorite things--food, color, game, outfit, story--and works really hard to make sure you can enjoy all your favorite things regularly.  She is the person who celebrates your triumphs and cries with you when you fail, who wants everything that is good for you and hopes everyone sees all the good in your and will ignore all the not so good.

I didn't go into all this detail with Blythe because she is sick and was tired and needed to go to bed.  But I did tell her that when she was adopted, the judge told me I had to take care of her.  She was my responsibility and that I took that responsibility seriously.  That was a happy day.  And two days later was an even happier day because when she was sealed to us, she became part of our family for eternity.  Dad and I love her and rejoice that she is part of us.

At five, how can Blythe possibly understand all that she was saved from when we adopted her?  Just as I knew she would one day say, "You're not my real mom," I know the day will come when she will recognize that she was better off with us than with Keybug, as much as Keybug may love her.  And I hope I am surprised by that day coming earlier than I think it will.  I hope she will come to see how much I love her, with a love that is as real as any love a mother who birthed a child ever had for her daughter.

Called To Serve

Sunday afternoon Kent and I attended a worldwide Church training all about missionary work.  It was a wonderful meeting, rich in spirit and direction, thought-provoking and inspiring.  It made me think a lot about my mission, why I went, those I met, the good I might or might not have done.  In a way, my mission experience feels like a life-time ago, almost like it happened to a different person.  I suppose in a way I was a different person.  There were times during the eighteen months I served that I wanted to be almost anywhere else.  It was hard to be out trying to share my testimony, especially when I often felt no one really cared to hear anything I said.  I think France and Switzerland remain difficult places to do missionary work.  There is a lot of apathy towards God and religion and seemingly few people really searching for spiritual nourishment.

There were, however, other times when I felt caught up in the work, willing to give my all forever if necessary, to see the Church grow as I shared the gospel.  I felt powerful, full of the spirit, and "on fire" to use a missionary term.  It was good.  And looking back, it still feels good.  While I didn't see huge success numbers wise, I know I made a difference in the lives of at least one or two people.

Sunday's meeting stirred up those missionary feelings again.  I want to get out there and wear a badge and represent Christ and the Church again.  Thing is, I have young children at home.  Blythe is five which means the soonest Kent and I could be out serving as a couple is another fifteen years.  And if I was being honest, I would confess that I don't really want to serve a proselyting mission, I want to do humanitarian stuff, or work in a temple somewhere, or almost anything other than knock on doors and try to find people to teach.

The great thing about this meeting, however, if that it is readily acknowledged that door knocking is super ineffective.  We shouldn't be doing it.  Instead, we should be looking to our friends and neighbors who don't have the gospel and seeking ways to invite them to learn more.  Several of the fantastic videos shown made it look so easy.  I do have a slight problem, however.  I live in Provo, Utah in a ward that geographically holds two non-member families.  That's right.  Two.  And one of those families used to be members but have joined another church and had their names removed from the rolls of the Church.  Not much work to do here.

However, there is a new family that has just moved into the ward with two Primary aged children, and they are not active.  Their daughter was in Brandt's class last year and had a little crush on him.  When I went over last week to introduce myself, the mom, Kim, told me, "We're not super active.  If we go to church on Sunday, great.  If not, no big deal.  We're pretty cazh."  I have thought about that all week.  It has bothered me.  Now is not the time to be casual about one's eternal salvation.  I worry all the time about my children developing a strong testimony and remaining faithful to the gospel, and Kent and I are doing all the right things to insure our children will be active.

As I sat through the meeting, I thought about this family a lot and what I might do to involve, embrace, and invite them to participate.  As the Primary president, I have been called to serve the children in our ward and by extension, their families too.  I don't need a badge, I don't need to travel to a foreign country, or even leave my home.  Right here in Provo, Utah, I can be a missionary.  And I intend to share my testimony as I have opportunity.

Achieving Perfection

I work in Primary.  I love it.  I love being with the children and feeling their spirit and hearing them bear their testimony through song.  Plus my kids are there and I get to be with them and see them participate in the gospel.  It is often the highlight of my week.  Being in Primary, however, means that I don't get to hear the Sunday School and Relief Society lessons.  So in my personal study, I have been reading the Teachings of Presidents of the Church lessons from Lorenzo Snow.

Yesterday, I read the chapter entitled "Becoming Perfect before the Lord: 'A Little Better Day by Day.'"  It was wonderfully encouraging.  The commandment to "be perfect" as Jesus was is certainly daunting, especially as I feel I fall far short in so many areas of my life.  I can pat myself on the back that I am perfect at paying my tithing, but as far as other commandments go, I need work, and lots of it.  President Snow, however, made it seem that perfection is possible.  He said,

Do not expect to become perfect at once.  If you do, you will be disappointed.  Be better today than you were yesterday, and be better tomorrow than you are today.  The temptations that perhaps partially overcome us today, let them not overcome us so far tomorrow.  Thus continue to be a little better day by day; and do not let your life wear away without accomplishing good to others as well as to ourselves.

I appreciate that President Snow recognizes that temptations will overcome us, and encourages us to not let them "overcome us so far tomorrow."  By being a little better day by day, I can get there.  I have been working hard since the beginning of the year to control my anger towards and impatience with the children.  I have sincerely asked for help from Heavenly Father, I have been searching for ways to better parent, and I have been trying to be more conscious of what sort of spirit I am inviting into our home through my actions.  I feel that I have been helped and blessed in my efforts, and while not perfect, I am getting a little better day by day.  It gives me hope that I can do it.

Resolution

Do you think one is more likely to try and keep a resolution if someone else knows about it?  I'm not really one to jump on the new year's resolution bandwagon, mostly because I think if I need to make improvements or changes in my personal life, I should start, whenever.  But with the end of a year and the beginning of another, I have found myself reflecting on my behavior over the past twelve months, and I see areas that need improvement.  Some are deeply personal and I'm unwilling to write about them, even though likely only three people read this blog.  But there are others I am willing to record for the purpose of making myself accountable in some way, I guess to you three readers.  So here they are--my new year's resolutions.

• Do two things every day: pray and study the scriptures.  I have lots of thoughts about these two activities, but they fall into the deeply personal category.  I do want to try and read the Book of Mormon once a quarter, four times this year, and hope for great personal improvements through my efforts. 
• Do two other things at least five times a week: exercise and practice the piano.  The exercising goal is unrelated to weight loss, I just want to be moving more.  I began taking piano lessons in February, three decades after my last lesson.  I like being able to play better, and I really want to make marked improvement this year.  How is that going to happen?  Practice, practice, practice!
• I want to perform an act of service for someone else every day.  Is that possible?  I know I serve my family every day, but I want it to be something more than the everyday.
• I wanted to set a goal to have all of my personal reading be non-fiction, but I'm not sure why.  I like to set a reading goal each year, and I do like non-fiction, but we got several fun works of fiction for Christmas, and I don't really think I want to wait a whole year to read them just because of some silly goal.  So maybe I'll try and read as much non-fiction as fiction.
• I want to use my time more wisely.  I have more time without the children because of school, and I don't want to fritter it away with fluff.  I want to be involved in more significant activities which certainly dovetails nicely with my desire to serve more.  I also want to attend the temple more frequently.  

So there I am.  Will one of you three readers ask me occasionally how I'm doing?  Ask to hear my current piano piece, or what I've learned this week from my Book of Mormon reading, or what good I've done in the world today?  I'll do the same for you.