On Being a Mom

I'm having a bad mom day.  Not bad, just frustrating.  I continue to struggle with Blythe and potty training.  She will pee no problem, but nothing else.  We end up battling about sitting on the toilet, and I know that isn't going to help.  I have encouraged and cheered and praised and rewarded and made promises of instant gratification, all to no avail.  And I'm tired, already, of the almost constant conflict I experience with my daughter.  I look forward another fifteen years and I cringe at the thought of all those years of fighting.  I need to do something different.

And while I've been dealing with Blythe and pee, I came upstairs this afternoon to find that Brandt, my five year old Brandt, had peed on the floor.  ARGH!!!!!!  When I asked him why he had peed on the floor, he said, "I don't know where the toilet is."  I wanted to give him a whirly in the toilet, just to refresh his memory.  Instead, I went downstairs to have a moment to myself before gathering carpet cleaning equipment and taking care of his mess.

I went back downstairs to change over laundry, and then returned upstairs to find that all the bedding from my bed had been stripped and thrown on the floor, again.  I found myself near tears.  Maybe I'm hormonal, but maybe I'm not.  I don't know, and I don't care.  I want it to be easier somehow.  I don't want to feel like I am the Barrus Family entertainment committee.  I don't want my children to be destructive just because we're not out having a good time doing some exciting activity.  I can't keep that up every day, and there are things I have to do here at home, like laundry.  I'm sad because we aren't finding a house to buy that meets our needs, in spite of our continued efforts.  We have made both a first offer on one house and a backup offer on another, and it doesn't look like we'll get either.  I would like a yard the children can romp around in, but we can't find a house attached to a yard that we like.

Kent has remonstrated me numerous times over the past couple months about my attitude and outlook.  In his eyes, I am not happy and not seeing all the myriad ways we are blessed.  I know we are blessed, I know I need to adjust my attitude, and I know that life isn't supposed to be easy.  I need to learn and grow in my challenges, especially when those challenges come in small, energetic packages.  And I need to more readily embrace all that life has to offer, especially when so many others are in circumstances far worse than my own.

But I sure wish it were a bit easier.

Parents

Do you remember the moment you realized your parents were people?  You know what I mean?  That sudden realization I suppose most of us have that our parents had a life before they were parents, and that they probably still have a life apart from parenting?  I don't remember when it hit me, but it struck me again this week as I reflected on Grandma Hare's life.

Grandma had a tough start, losing her father when she was two and watching her mom struggle to support their family.  She was a young person with hopes and dreams, some of which I imagine were realized, and some I'm sure were not.  She was a young mother with a husband who was shot down during the war and wondered if he would ever come home.  She worked, divorced, traveled, met interesting people, and eventually moved to Utah to be with family.  I only ever knew her as Grandma, but I know she was so much more.

And with her loss, I think about my own mom who has just lost her mom.  While it is a blessing that Grandma was able to finally leave her frail body and return to the presence of Heavenly Father, there is a finality in her passing.  My mom no longer has access to her mom.  We all need our moms.  I know my mom feels a loss as I do, but hers is certainly deeper.  I have felt for her more deeply too.  I'm certainly not explaining this very eloquently, but I suppose I am again realizing my mom is a person, and right now, she is a person who is mourning.

Coming to parenthood late as I did, I sometimes palpably feel the loss of my pre-parent life.  My time was my own, my life was my own, and I liked it.  I was happy being with my husband and enjoyed many activities I have had to either curtail or give up entirely because they don't fit into my parenting life.  I guess that is one of the many sacrifices we make when we decide to parent, and I suppose it is a sacrifice that brings with it many blessings that wouldn't be apparent and available to us without parenting.  At the same time, I want to be more than Brandt and Blythe's mom; I still want to be Katherine.  I'm working on being a parent and being a person.