On Being a Mom

I'm having a bad mom day.  Not bad, just frustrating.  I continue to struggle with Blythe and potty training.  She will pee no problem, but nothing else.  We end up battling about sitting on the toilet, and I know that isn't going to help.  I have encouraged and cheered and praised and rewarded and made promises of instant gratification, all to no avail.  And I'm tired, already, of the almost constant conflict I experience with my daughter.  I look forward another fifteen years and I cringe at the thought of all those years of fighting.  I need to do something different.

And while I've been dealing with Blythe and pee, I came upstairs this afternoon to find that Brandt, my five year old Brandt, had peed on the floor.  ARGH!!!!!!  When I asked him why he had peed on the floor, he said, "I don't know where the toilet is."  I wanted to give him a whirly in the toilet, just to refresh his memory.  Instead, I went downstairs to have a moment to myself before gathering carpet cleaning equipment and taking care of his mess.

I went back downstairs to change over laundry, and then returned upstairs to find that all the bedding from my bed had been stripped and thrown on the floor, again.  I found myself near tears.  Maybe I'm hormonal, but maybe I'm not.  I don't know, and I don't care.  I want it to be easier somehow.  I don't want to feel like I am the Barrus Family entertainment committee.  I don't want my children to be destructive just because we're not out having a good time doing some exciting activity.  I can't keep that up every day, and there are things I have to do here at home, like laundry.  I'm sad because we aren't finding a house to buy that meets our needs, in spite of our continued efforts.  We have made both a first offer on one house and a backup offer on another, and it doesn't look like we'll get either.  I would like a yard the children can romp around in, but we can't find a house attached to a yard that we like.

Kent has remonstrated me numerous times over the past couple months about my attitude and outlook.  In his eyes, I am not happy and not seeing all the myriad ways we are blessed.  I know we are blessed, I know I need to adjust my attitude, and I know that life isn't supposed to be easy.  I need to learn and grow in my challenges, especially when those challenges come in small, energetic packages.  And I need to more readily embrace all that life has to offer, especially when so many others are in circumstances far worse than my own.

But I sure wish it were a bit easier.

Apology

After several tries, I finally connected with my neighbor, Z, today.  I mentioned our interaction (or lack thereof) of last week, and expressed my remorse at her reaction. I apologized for whatever I had done to hurt/offend/irritate her, and said I hoped she could forgive me so that it wouldn't weigh either of us down emotionally and spiritually. I told her I hoped we could still be friends.

After a short pause, she said, "We're good."
Nothing more.

I'm not sure that we really are good in her mind.  She didn't tell me what I had done and so I am still at a loss to know.  I suppose our next interaction will be an indication of how she really feels.  As for myself, I feel better; relieved to have apologized and asked for forgiveness and feel as though my conscience is clear.

Offense

I had an uncomfortable experience two mornings ago.  I was in the garage with the children, loading up the car.  A neighbor and fellow ward member (hereafter to be referred to as Z) I have known since we moved here eight years ago walked by with another woman in our ward (E).  I cheerily called out, "Good morning!" and received an equally cheery response from E.  Z, however, ignored me.  She turned her head and looked in my direction but gave no other response.  It was like we were complete strangers.

We live in a condominium development and have an HOA.  Z was put in as the HOA president in September, and her style of leadership engendered many bad feelings among neighbors.  She has been rigid and nasty, two characteristics that have surprised me considering our past interactions.  Back in November she irritated Kent and he lost his temper with her over the phone (very unusual for my mild-mannered husband).  The following day, before work, he typed out a one page apology which he asked me to deliver.  I went to Z's home that morning and delivered both a verbal as well as the written apology.  I told Z I didn't want there to be unhappy or angry feelings between us that could ruin our friendship.  Z agreed that she didn't want that either.

Things got worse in our neighborhood and in May, the rest of the HOA board voted to remove Z from her position as president.  She was very hurt but Kent and I certainly agreed with the rest of the board that Z needed to be gone for the good of the community.  We were all on edge.  Unfortunately, my conversation with Z back in November has been the last one we've had.  Her family members won't talk to me either.  Z is of the opinion that I wrote an anonymous letter to a board member calling for her resignation, which I did not do.  She is one of my Primary teachers, but will not speak to me or really even look at me during Primary.

I am not sure what I have done, but I have caused offense or hurt.  I need to go and apologize again, and I hope she can find it in her heart to forgive me.  I have tried to remain friendly, I have tried to be kind.  I think my offense might be that I am good friends one of the other board members, and with a neighbor who has been on the receiving end of a good deal of the nastiness from Z.  I am going to find a time today to go over and see if I can't talk to Z and make things right.  Or at least better so we can exchange neighborly greetings in the street.  I don't like the thought that I have caused someone grief or given them cause to harbor ill feelings towards me.