Recently I was having a discussion with Brandt and Blythe about pregnancy. My sister is pregnant and we were talking about the baby growing in her tummy. Blythe said, "Mom, did I come out of your tummy?"
"Nope," I replied. "You are adopted, remember? That is because I haven't been able to have a baby, so you were never in my tummy."
This naturally led to the next question. "Whose tummy was I in?"
From the beginning of our parenting, Kent and I have been open with our children about their adoption. We have spoken of how happy we were to welcome them into our home and to have them sealed to us. We have a picture of all of us dressed in white outside the temple on Blythe's sealing day in each of their bedrooms, and we talk about their sealing days often as we drive past the temple. There is no secret about how they joined our family, and we are committed to being open and honest with our kids about their personal history as it relates to their origins.
So when Blythe asked, I told her. "You were in Key Bug's tummy." Key Bug is what Blythe calls her birthmom, Keyaira. Brandt followed up with the question, "Was I in Key Bug's tummy too?"
"No," I said, "you were in Jamie's tummy." For Brandt, that was enough information. He was probably about four when he first asked me this question, and I had answered the same way then. For him, Jamie is a name and nothing more. She has never been part of his life, and although she has visited with us once, Brandt was too young to remember and saw her simply as someone I knew who came for a visit. At this point in his life, he is not interested in his origins.
The same can not be said of Blythe. She is a thinker and this issue, where she came from and why she is with us, is deeply important to her. I know this because the first question, "Whose tummy was I in?" has been followed by many others. Key Bug remains part of our lives. When she is clean and doing well, we see her with some regularity. When she is using, we don't see her, but Blythe talks about her and asks to call her and wants to know what is going on with her. We are supportive of Blythe maintaining a relationship with Keyaira because that is important to her. Blythe was 14 months when she came to live with us, and although she doesn't remember her time with Keyaira, she knows Keyaira loves her. We regularly see Keyaira's parents, Grandma Dawn and Papa Scott, as well as Keyaira's other children, McKenna and Greyson whom Scott and Dawn have adopted.
The tummy question has led to other questions: Why did you and Dad adopt me? Why is Brandt my brother? Why doesn't Key Bug live with us? Who takes care of Key Bug? Where does Key Bug live?
Kent told Blythe about Key Bug's drug use on a day when Key Bug had arranged to come for a visit and then didn't show up. I like to arrange those visits directly with Keyaira. I don't tell the children she is coming because too often she doesn't show up. On the Sunday she was expected and Blythe knew she was supposed to come, I heard all afternoon, "Mom, when is Key Bug coming?" Then, when she didn't come, we were left without a good response. It had been drug awareness, Say No To Drugs week at school for both the children, so Kent explained simply but honestly about Keyaira's drug use, and that because of it, she sometimes did things that made other people sad.
Again, our little thinker had lots of questions for me, and with much compassion and sensitivity, and something of a struggle to explain to a four year old about the sad circumstances surrounding drug use, I told her about Key Bug. I know that this has weighed on her mind because since our initial talk, we have spoken about this issue many times. Every few days Blythe bring up something about adoption and family and drugs and we talk. She was with Grandma Dawn yesterday and grilled her with questions too. I hadn't prepared Dawn, she didn't know all Blythe knew, so she was feeling a bit pressed.
I will admit that I didn't think I would be having these discussions with our kids for a few more years. As I said, Brandt has not had a follow-up question since I told him he came out of Jamie's tummy, so I sort of figured it would end there with Blythe too. I guess it is good to start answering questions early on so that there is no sense of mystery or confusion and so that Blythe is comfortable with who she is and where she fits. I hope I am doing a good job answering her questions.
